Christmas Time, R&C Style
by Lomcat93
Summary: What do you get when you cross Christmas with Ratchet and Clank? Well, definitely not your typical holiday celebration... AU; Rated T for mild swearing


_Author's Note: Yes, it's one of those Christmas fics. But, it's not going to be one of those disgustingly cute fics; it's going to be humorous, or as humorous as I can make it, anyway. And I attempted to avoid that generic, "It was a blah blah *insert peaceful crap* blah blah night," intro, since I despise that intro more than any other. But, considering this is a Christmas fic, that is very difficult to accomplish; so I ended up using a slightly altered version of that crappy, generic intro, so forgive me for writing a lame intro. lol Well, R&R, if you don't mind._

_**Disclaimer: I do not own Ratchet and Clank; Insomniac Games does. Lucky them.**_

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**Christmas Time, R&C Style**

The night was like any other on Veldin; the stars shone brightly, the wind was calm and unmoving, and the crescent moon smiled down on the empty desert. Everything was as it should be on Christmas Eve, even for Veldin. Nothing disturbed the tranquility of the whole scene.

"Damn Christmas lights!" an agitated voice suddenly shouted, shattering the silence.

On the surface of the desert planet, a solitary, metal house sat dangerously near a secluded cliff. To the right of the door to this house, a heap of twinkling lights and orange fur lay unmoving. The pile suddenly twitched and a fuzzy, yellow-orange Lombax sat up quickly. He was tangled in a rather lengthy line of Christmas lights, and he tugged desperately at a strand that was currently wrapped around his throat, strangling him. When his efforts proved futile, he leaned back and attempted to kick them off instead, but the lights refused to loosen their deadly grip on the thrashing Lombax. He struggled vainly with the menacing, glowing orbs, his thrashing getting weaker.

"Clank, h-help me," he managed to choke out between gags.

A small, silver robot peeked out of the door, surprise lighting up his already bright green eyes. When he caught sight of the groaning Lombax, however, they changed to annoyance instantly. He ducked back into the house.

"Honestly, Ratchet," he called to the Lombax, "You can survive fatal gun fights, dangerous space battles, and life-threatening puzzles, but you cannot wiggle free from a string of Christmas decorations?"

Suddenly, the orbs surrounding Ratchet grew dim, and the grip they had held began to loosen. Ratchet sat up, gazing in awe at the lights, his eyes wide. He picked them up and continued to stare at them as his metallic savior reappeared, waving a now disconnected cord of lights in front of the Lombax's nose.

Ratchet redirected his awe filled gaze to Clank, and said, "Thanks buddy! That was really scary; I thought I was a goner for sure!" He smiled widely at the robot, grateful for his support.

Clank just narrowed his eyes, frowning at the Lombax's childishness. "Well, you had better hang them up quickly; our guests are due to arrive within the next five minutes."

At this announcement, Ratchet's ears flicked up in surprise, his eyes getting wider. "Oh crap! Where did the time go?"

"I have absolutely no idea," Clank replied in a sarcastic tone, crossing his arms. "It could not have possibly been wasted by you tasting all the food-"

"I was just checking to make sure it wasn't undercooked," he replied innocently.

"-And then you started a Christmas ornament dodge ball competition-"

"I needed to burn off some of that extra energy that I got from eating."

"-And you finally decide to wrestle with the Christmas lights."

"Yeah, we showed them who's boss! Huh, Clank?" Ratchet responded, smiling.

Clank sighed, giving up. He trotted back into the house without giving Ratchet a second glance. The Lombax pushed himself up and took a step forward, planning to follow him, but ended up tripping on a stray strand of lights. He looked down, snatched them up, and walked in the opposite direction, forgetting entirely about Clank.

"Time for round two," he growled menacingly, baring his teeth at the unblinking lights.

"Round two of what?" a voice asked suddenly.

Ratchet yelped, jumping slightly, and turned around sharply, his fur standing on end. He found himself standing nose to nose with Talwyn, who tilted her head to the side, expecting an answer.

"I-I was just trying to put up these lights, but they've been stubborn," he stuttered, feeling himself blush from embarrassment. He heard a metallic _clang _and glanced to his right, noticing that Cronk and Zephyr were also here. They were glaring threateningly at each other, as usual. 'They must be arguing again,' Ratchet thought.

Talwyn bent down and picked up the nearest tangle of lights. "I see," she responded, turning the string around in her hands, observing them. "Looks like you could use some help."

Ratchet looked at the ground, averting his gaze. "That would be nice," he mumbled. He hated to admit he needed assistance in something as simple as decorating, but he didn't want to risk the humiliation of getting involved in another epic light battle.

As Talwyn began unraveling the colorful mess, Cronk and Zephyr had drifted toward the door, too engrossed in their argument to notice where they wandered. Their conversation became louder and more obnoxious as they passed Ratchet, who was busy shaking a knot of lights off of his tail.

"What do you mean 'Christmas isn't about gifts'? Isn't that why we're here in the first place?" Zephyr shouted, holding up a small red and green package.

"Not from what I've heard," Cronk replied, pushing Zephyr's hand away. "It's got something to do with religion."

"Really?" Zephyr said in an unbelieving tone. He halted, waited for Cronk to do the same, then crossed his arms before continuing. "Care to explain, then?"

Cronk was taken by surprise, his eyes darting around, desperately trying to come up with an explanation. "Well, you see, there's this one important guy, and..." He paused, unsure of how to continue. _'The truth is, I don't know anything about holidays!'_ he thought, fearing the possibility of losing an argument to his companion.

Zephyr stared, anticipating his answer, then cackled triumphantly. "See? You don't know anything about it!" He paused, raising his head in a victorious pose. "I happen to know that people give presents to each other," he proclaimed loudly.

By now, they had wandered into the kitchen, where Clank stood on a chair, eyes narrowed in annoyance. He pushed the bowl of cookie dough he'd been mixing and twisted around, glaring at the two bots. "Do you two find it necessary to fight every second of every day?"

"A second that we don't fight is a second wasted," Zephyr answered with a smile.

Clank sighed. "Well, I think we all deserve a break from that. Why not help me finish up these cookies?" he asked politely, motioning towards the bowl.

"You're baking cookies?" Cronk asked, glancing curiously at the bowl, "We don't have to eat them, do we? I'm on a diet."

"Wha-?" Zephyr faced Cronk, looking dumbfounded, "You can't be on a diet, ya fool! You don't have the ability to gain weight, let alone lose it!" He stopped, glancing at the ceiling in thought. "Although, you do get a lot lighter when your head pops off." He turned around, unable to face Cronk any longer, and burst out laughing. Cronk glared at him, crossed his arms, and turned himself away sharply so that he had his back to Zephyr.

Clank shook his head, deciding not to involve himself. He turned back to his cookie dough, eager to finish cooking. As he turned, he noticed an empty spot where he had pushed the bowl to. He opened his mouth in dismay, then caught a glimpse of green on the border of his vision. He ignored it at first, dismissing it as the flash of a Christmas light, but glanced to the side once more when he heard the clatter of a fallen tree ornament. He glared accusingly at Cronk and Zephyr, but immediately regretted his action, figuring they were innocent. They were still standing in the same spot and in the same position, as if their feet had rusted to the floor.

Zephyr noticed Clank's glare, and turned to him, tilting his head to the side. "What's the matter?" he questioned.

Clank looked away, feeling guilty. "Well, my cookie dough somehow vanished, and I was just searching for it..." he mumbled.

Zephyr straightened himself and stared at Clank. "And you think we took it? That's nonsense," he declared. He pointed at Cronk, then continued, "This guy's on a _diet_."

As the two companions resumed their bickering, Clank glanced back at the Christmas tree. A green ornament rolled lazily across the floor, bumping off the base of the couch and coming to a halt near the table, close enough for Clank to see his reflection gazing inquisitively back at him. He hopped off of the chair, eyes wide, and cautiously approached the tree. As he got nearer, his gaze rested on a bizarre, green object that seemed to cower beneath the branches. Clank narrowed his eyes slightly in curiosity, walked toward the green thing, and poked it. He gasped as the green thing jumped up and twisted around, facing Clank.

Recognition lit up Clank's face instantly. "Qwark? What are you doing here?" He glanced down, gazing upon a now empty bowl of cookie dough. "And why are you eating my cookie dough?" he continued, snapping his head up to meet Qwark's eyes.

"Um, I was just..." Qwark glanced at the bowl briefly, then answered, "I was checking to make sure it wasn't undercooked."

Clank closed his hands into fists and put them on his hips, glaring at Qwark. "If that excuse proved unhelpful for Ratchet, then it certainly will not help you. And besides, it is cookie dough; of course it would be undercooked." He turned around, beginning to stomp away, but was stopped as a heavy weight clamped around his leg. He turned his head sharply to find Qwark bent on the ground, as if bowing before the bewildered bot.

"Please, let me stay with you!" Qwark implored, bursting into tears, "I don't have a family to celebrate the holidays with!"

As the faux hero sobbed at Clank's feet, Ratchet and Talwyn peeked into the house, startled by the noise. Ratchet walked forward to get a better view, then stopped dead when he took in the scene before him. "Qwark! What're you doing here?" he asked, his tone a mix of confusion and annoyance.

Qwark took no notice to Ratchet. Instead, he looked up at Clank, trying to pull off a 'puppy dog look', but failing miserably. Clank turned to Ratchet, unable to reply, but the Lombax just stared furiously at Qwark, refusing to lift his gaze. Clank sighed, turning back to the weeping hero, already regretting what he was about to say.

"Fine, Qwark, you can stay."

Qwark instantly stopped crying. He hopped to his feet, glancing around excitedly. "Where's my present?" he asked, darting around, giggling.

Zephyr crossed his arms and leaned toward Cronk. "See? Even the idiot knows this holiday is about presents."

Before Cronk had the chance to revive their argument, Clank jumped up and looked at the guests. "I believe it is about time for dinner," he announced hastily.

At the word 'dinner', everyone rushed to the table to take their seats. "Oh, what are we having? Cookies?" Qwark asked excitedly, nearly bouncing out of his chair.

Clank shook his head, sighing. "The cookies were supposed to be for dessert. However, you ate the entire bowl of cookie dough, so we will not be eating them at all." He proceeded to lift lids off of dishes and bowls, revealing beautifully set courses. Everyone watched intently as Clank lifted the last lid and finally took his seat. He glanced around, taking in the others' unchanging expressions, then waved his hand carelessly. "Well, go ahead; eat," he sighed, bracing himself.

At Clank's signal, everyone dove for the food, leaving Clank to sit uncaused, holding his head up with a fist, eyes narrowed. Qwark and Ratchet had begun a game of tug-of-war, in which they substituted a rope for a rather large, juicy ham. They growled at each other like wild animals, attempting to intimidate their opponent. Nearby, Cronk and Zephyr eyed a plate of mashed potatoes, then glared at each other menacingly, daring the other to make the first move. With everyone else distracted, Talwyn reached around the quarrels, sneaking bits of food onto her plate.

When the shouting and clanging of breaking plates became too much to bear, Clank stood up on his seat. "Stop it, please!" he yelled, forcing everyone to stop, focusing their attention on the enraged bot. "Stop fighting! Holidays are for getting together and being cheerful, not for snagging food away from each other like rabid wolves! Now," he said calmly, eyes softening, "Why not take turns and ask politely for food? Is that too much to ask?"

The room was dead silent while the others gazed at Clank in astonishment, occasionally glancing curiously at their previous enemy. After a long pause, Cronk piped up, "So, wait, you mean Christmas is about visiting people?" He paused, then turned to Zephyr, pointing. "Ha! I told you it wasn't about presents!"

Clank's shoulders drooped down as he stared in disbelief, his mouth half open. He plopped back into his chair, sighing and staring at nothing in particular, looking absent-minded. Everyone else exchanged mixed looks of shock and bewilderment, then sat down, calmly passing food to each other. Ratchet smiled at Clank each time he offered a plate to him, which Clank always accepted, but immediately passed to Talwyn. Each time he did this, Ratchet frowned a little and turned away, deciding to try again. But after watching the fourth plate being ignored, he tilted his head, staring at Clank.

"Aren't you hungry?" he asked, his ears drooping slightly.

Clank gazed up at him, smiling apologetically. "No, actually," he replied. He turned away, avoiding eye contact, and said, "I ate my share of food before setting up the table. I feel a little guilty, now."

Ratchet blinked in surprise. "Oh," he said, thinking of what else to say. He glanced at the plate he was currently holding, then rested his gaze on Clank again, smiling. "Guess you don't need this, then."

He dropped the plate carelessly in front of him and turned to grab the next one. As he looked away, the plate landed on the handle of Ratchet's fork, which caused a lump of mashed potatoes to go airborne. They flew through the air briefly, before landing with a _splat_ on Ratchet's face, partially covering his right eye. Everyone went silent, staring at the Lombax, who's visible eye widened in shock.

Qwark immediately jumped on his chair, holding a spoonful of green beans. "Food fight!" he shrieked, pulling back his spoon and launching the vegetables at a stunned Ratchet. The Lombax's eye narrowed in anger as the green beans became stuck in the glob of mashed potatoes, adding to his embarrassment. He stood up and tossed an empty plate at Qwark, which zoomed close to his head and landed nearby, smashing into several sharp pieces.

As Cronk and Zephyr hopped up to join the mayhem, Clank and Talwyn dove quickly under the table, taking shelter from the soaring objects. They stared at each other in puzzlement as rolls and ham slices slid underneath the table. They listened to the shouts and curses of the four food fighters, attempting to wait out the 'war'.

"What can we do to stop them?" Talwyn asked Clank, dodging a bowl of salad that somehow ended up flying past her head.

Clank gazed upward in thought, glancing around for inspiration. His gaze paused on the Christmas tree, which glittered magnificently in the distance, despite the scraps of food that were now caught between its branches. An idea popped into Clank's head, so he stood up and dared to peek over the table. He ducked back down briefly as a lit candle bounced off of the table and fell to the ground, narrowly missing him. Clank cautiously poked his head back up as Talwyn yelped in terror and stomped on the burning candle.

"Present time!" he shouted, closing his eyes as more potentially dangerous objects flew near him.

The food ceased to fly almost instantly. The four fighters, now almost entirely covered in food, blinked at Clank and rushed to the tree, where they sat, smiling. Clank sighed in relief and followed them, pausing momentarily to watch Talwyn crawl out from under the table, who was cautiously holding a smoking mess of wax. Talwyn tossed the destroyed candle onto the table and joined Clank. They sat near the tree and looked expectantly at everyone else. Several silent moments passed in which everyone exchanged blank stares. Suddenly, a loud ripping sound made everyone glance at the tree. Near the trunk, Skrunch was dashing around in circles, tearing the gifts into tiny scraps. Everyone reacted with a gasp.

"Qwark! Get your stupid monkey out of here!" Ratchet yelled, jumping to his feet.

Qwark ran to the tree and scooped up the thrashing creature. "Skrunch! What have I told you about chewing on shiny, decorated paper? You should be ashamed of yourself," he scolded, pointing his finger accusingly at Skrunch. Qwark proceeded to walk to the door, clinging tightly onto the screaming, struggling monkey. "I'll just go put him in my ship," he called, giggling nervously.

"Well," Ratchet mumbled, turning to the remaining guests, "I guess you guys should be heading home. There's no point in staying here anymore."

Talwyn, Cronk, and Zephyr waved and smiled as they walked out the door. "Merry Christmas," Talwyn said, frowning a little in disappointment.

Ratchet waved back. "Merry-"

He stopped mid-sentence as a big glob of mashed potatoes slipped off of the Christmas tree, which landed on his head and blocked his view. Clank's eyes widened as he stepped backwards, avoiding the leftover potatoes that dripped down to claim him as their next victim. He sighed, waved one more time at their departing guests, and turned away from the stumbling Lombax.

"Sure, Merry Christmas," he muttered.

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_Well, I don't really like my conclusion for this one, but oh well. *shrugs*_

_I apologize if Clank seems a bit OOC; after re-reading this I've realized he does seem a bit odd at points. But then again, he did work hard to set everything up, and well, no one made it easy for him. xD I'd be pretty pissed if someone ruined my Christmas like this. lol Well, I'll appreciate any reviews; thanks for reading and Happy Holidays. =)_


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